What’s in a Name?

I hope my previous post didn’t scare you all. But the story needs to be told.

What’s in a name? Is it necessary to give names to all things / situations around us?

Till a year ago, I was also hankering after naming my ailment. But the Doctor never gave it one. Maybe, he thought that naming it would only lead to me not accepting myself. Let alone others accepting me (that is another whole area which I would cover later). So, in my constant and repeated quest for an answer as to what is my condition, I lost out on the simple pleasures of life. The small gestures that spread joy.

Now I know why he didn’t.

If you give it a name, the anxiety in the person going through this internal trauma would only increase to great heights. And believe me, that’s what happened despite no names being given to my ailment.

Every two years, the symptoms would change. The condition would take a different turn. I was always in self doubt mode. Would I ever be able to achieve what I want? I still ask. Sometimes, I have felt like wanting to break things around me, my hands would shiver. I had what I call “heavy feelings” through and through. I would feel like people around me want to pounce and destroy my equilibrium.

Actually, it was not “people” but my mind was playing games inside my little head. These sensations would drive me insane. There have been days when I would want all this to just end. But what remained constant is my sanity. Never have I thought of taking my life.

I would admit wholeheartedly here, that there had been days when I have felt too low, as if what is the point going through all this mental torture, seeking answers to questions like, “Why is this happening to me only?, Why me?, Couldn’t I have a normal life just like all others in general?”

But again, it is relative. All these are general questions. I am sure that each and every one of us would have asked these questions to ourselves or to the people around us at a given point of time in our lives. Does this mean that all of us have ailments? The questions are not particularly related to mental ailments, but are questions asked for even the simplest of ailments.

To this, I remember that my mother always tells me that I don’t realise how strong I am. There have been days when I would refute this claim. Not wanting to believe it. At every turn, I would feel that this is not for me. I can’t do this. It is above my level. But I have come a long way. People succumb to all this internal pressure. But here I am. Alive and kicking.

Now after all these years, I don’t want to name my ailment. Come on. Every person gets stressful for something or the other. Anxiety and panic attacks are common. The level of severity of these things depends on how one copes with it. Help is needed only if you aren’t able to ride through this. Sometimes, you yourself come up with the solution. At other times, you should acknowledge the fact that you need help.

So yeah, What’s in a Name?

P.S.: I’m a mental health survivor and am only sharing my experiences with a view to create awareness about mental health. Please don’t take this amiss. I hope to make this world a better place to be in with my views and experiences. If all goes well, I’ll continue sharing my experiences with all of you through my blog. Thanks.

The Day Everything Changed.

It was one evening of June.

It was raining heavily. We were returning from Chennai to Mumbai.

My whole family couldn’t understand what was happening to me. As a matter of fact, even I didn’t.

Cut to 10 days prior. I had stopped communicating. I was mighty scared that someone is going to harm me. I was in 12th Grade at the time. A CA aspirant. Mighty expectations from me. And why not?? I had stood 3rd in my college in 11th Grade. Those who know about college experiences will relate to this. But I was not happy. I had become pale, devoid of colour.

You may want to know the reason. But fact was that the reason was unknown to all and sundry, including me. No one would have ever thought of such a thing, that such a situation would arise.

Back to the rainy evening.

As we landed, I realised that its something big. I had completely stopped talking, much to the nightmare of the people around me. My parents and my sister couldn’t see me this way. It was 9 in the night and we were going back home in the car. My grandparents were with us too.

I wanted to go home. We did go home. But on reaching home, my parents took me to our family doctor’s clinic. Imagine. It was a Sunday evening and still the doctor opened his clinic to see me. I was confused. He asked me a few questions to which I didn’t respond at all. Then, it was all clear. He advised my parents to take me to a Psychiatrist…. So then my parents took an urgent appointment for the following day and intended to take me.

I still remember. It was the 13th of June, 2011. It was the first day of college for 12th Grade. I was yearning to go to college. Instead, I went to see the Psychiatrist.

The whole atmosphere around me was tense. My family was inconsolable. I was not muttering a word. This doctor also asked me a few questions. To which, again, I didn’t answer. All that came out of my mouth was one word. The act for which one can be put behind bars. No one has the power to come into this world on their own, neither can they take their own lives. It seemed as though the whole world has come crashing down. It just looked as though life had come to a standstill.

SUICIDE.

Hearing this, the doctor said that the situation looks very bleak at the moment. The path needs to be treaded on very carefully.

I remember the Station Master’s dialogue in the movie Jab We Met, in this context (although, in the movie, the context in which the dialogue was said was completely different).

Zindagi rail ke pathri ki tarah hoti hai. Ek inch ka bend aur meelon ki doori.

And that’s when I realised that this is going to be a long battle. A lifelong battle, maybe.

P.S.: I’m a mental health survivor and am only sharing my experiences with a view to create awareness about mental health. Please don’t take this amiss. I hope to make this world a better place to be in with my views and experiences. If all goes well, I’ll continue sharing my experiences with all of you through my blog. Thanks.