Birthday Month Musings

I’m 27 now, will be turning 28 in exactly 10 days from today.

I got a new haircut done, pampered myself by buying cosmetics and spent a lot, in short, because it is my birthday month.

I was never this way. In the past.

But now I want to enjoy life with the limited means that I have.

Why do I say limited means? You might wonder.

My parents have given me everything I wished for and they still want the best for me.

I’m not saying that being materialistic gives me immense joy, it doesn’t.

My parents and sister being content with me, I being content with myself, I what I crave for every waking moment.  

But at times, I fail to comprehend when it is most necessary.

I let my anxiety consume me.

First, I try to divert my attention to many things apart from the moot point causing the anxiety and I see that the anxiety doesn’t go away, it increases manifold and makes my cry a lot or remains status quo.

That said, when the above tactics don’t work, I go head along and with full force into what I am supposed to do at that moment, be it work or enjoyment. But the sad part is, that I start hearing voices only when I’m low, be it for any reason.

I’m not able to write long sentences and weave words into a narrative anymore.

The poems that I write are my way of expressing myself now. I’ve even got accolades for the same but as they say, I feel the spice in my life is missing.

I am of old school thought, but my generation has moved on and I am not able to.

Again, it is the same marriage and career worries that I’ve got inside my head.

My father is ailing and is partially handicapped now. As all say and it is my own feeling too that I need to see the larger picture in life and live for the moment.

But it is easier said than done, right?

My parents and my sister are my world.

But what should I do when there is an alter mind taking shape inside of me whenever I feel low about something?

And it is excruciatingly painful to see my father unwell.

At the same time I should say this, the way my mother takes care of him, she deserves applause. She is holding the fort for the four of us. By four of us I mean, my father, my sister, me and herself.

I have also become strong but my alter mind talks otherwise. I have started giving less credence to it, I want to believe. I want to disregard it, at the same time not dismiss it because if I dismiss it, it talks and I hear more voices.

Everything is okay now, I’m in a better frame of mind and the mornings and afternoons, are the best time in the day for me. It is what I choose to believe that shapes my thoughts and emotions.

P.S. : I had written this blog as part of my diary writings way back in July 2022. I hope you could get some learnings from my post, because what better than something written being the reason for even the slightest positive change possible in someone else’s life, someone who needs it at this time? If it does, I’d be blessed. Thank you for patiently reading.